Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
