I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
