Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
