Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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