I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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