More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
