Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
