He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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