she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Come see our sink grown plant.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
