you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
