Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
