She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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