i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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