i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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