I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
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Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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