Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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