just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way