Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother