rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
