Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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