Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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