dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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