Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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