dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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