I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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