drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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