you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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