Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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