Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
