At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
