I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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