Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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