this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have fence marks all over my body
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
