Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
