Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
