Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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