Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
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Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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