Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
