On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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