New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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