I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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