so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
