a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
