the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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