There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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