Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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