I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
