Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
