wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
