Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
