things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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