If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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