The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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