I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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